SOMERSET PA (AP) -- A. Wolf took the stand
today in his own defense. This shocked and stunned the media who predicted that
he would not testify in the brutal double murder trial. A. Wolf is accused of
killing (and eating) The First Little Pig, and The Second Little Pig. This
criminal trial is expected to be followed by a civil trial to be brought by the
surviving Third Little Pig. The case has been characterized as a media circus.
His testimony is transcribed below:
"Everybody knows the story of the Three Little Pigs. Or at least they think they
do. But I'll let you in on a little secret. Nobody knows the real story, because
nobody has ever heard my side of the story. I'm Alexander T. Wolf. You can call
me Al. I don't know how this whole Big Bad Wolf thing got started, but it's all
wrong. Maybe it's because of our diet. Hey, it's not my fault wolves eat cute
little animals like bunnies and sheep and pigs. That's just the way we are. If
cheeseburgers were cute, folks would probably think you were Big and Bad too.
But like I was saying, the whole big bad wolf thing is all wrong. The real story
is about a sneeze and a cup of sugar.
THIS IS THE REAL STORY.
Way back in Once Upon a Time time, I was making a birthday cake for my dear old
granny. I had a terrible sneezing cold. I ran out of sugar. So I walked down the
street to ask my neighbor for a cup of sugar. Now this neighbor was a pig. And
he wasn't too bright either. He had built his whole house out of straw. Can you
believe it? I mean who in his right mind would build a house of straw? So of
course the minute I knocked on the door, it fell right in. I didn't want to just
walk into someone else's house. So I called, "Little Pig, Little Pig, are you
in?" No answer. I was just about to go home without the cup of sugar for my dear
old granny's birthday cake.
That's when my nose started to itch. I felt a sneeze coming on. Well I huffed.
And I snuffed. And I sneezed a great sneeze.
And you know what? The whole darn straw house fell down. And right in the middle
of the pile of straw was the First Little Pig - dead as a doornail. He had been
home the whole time. It seemed like a shame to leave a perfectly good ham dinner
lying there in the straw. So I ate it up. Think of it as a cheeseburger just
lying there. I was feeling a little better. But I still didn't have my cup of
sugar . So I went to the next neighbor's house. This neighbor was the First
Little Pig's brother. He was a little smarter, but not much. He has built his
house of sticks. I rang the bell on the
stick house. Nobody answered. I called,
"Mr. Pig, Mr. Pig, are you in?" He yelled back."Go away wolf. You can't come in.
I'm shaving the hairs on my shinny chin chin."
I had just grabbed the doorknob when I felt another sneeze coming on. I huffed.
And I snuffed. And I tried to cover my mouth, but I sneezed a great sneeze.
And you are not going to believe this, but the guy's house fell down just like
his brother's. When the dust cleared, there was the Second Little Pig - dead as
a doornail. Wolf's honor. Now you know food will spoil if you just leave it out
in the open. So I did the only thing there was to do. I had dinner again. Think
of it as a second helping. I was getting awfully full. But my cold was feeling a
little better. And I still didn't have that cup of sugarr for my dear old
granny's birthday cake. So I went to the next house. This guy was the First and
Second Little Pig's brother. He must have been the brains of the family. He had
built his house of bricks. I knocked on the brick house. No answer. I called, "Mr
Pig, Mr. Pig, are you in?" And do you know what that rude little porker
answered? "Get out of here, Wolf. Don't bother me again."
Talk about impolite! He probably had a whole sackful of sugar. And he wouldn't
give me even one little cup for my dear sweet old granny's birthday cake. What a
I was just about to go home and maybe make a nice birthday card instead of a
cake, when I felt my cold coming on. I huffed And I snuffed. And I sneezed once
Then the Third Little Pig yelled, " And your old granny can sit on a pin!" Now
I'm usually a pretty calm fellow. But when somebody talks about my granny like
that, I go a Little crazy. When the cops drove up, of course I was trying to
break down this Pig's door. And the whole time I was huffing and puffing and
sneezing and making a real scene.
The rest as they say is history.
The news reporters found out about the two pigs I had for dinner. They figured a
sick guy going to borrow a cup of sugar didn't sound very exciting.
So they jazzed up the story with all of that "Huff and puff and blow your house
And they made me the Big Bad Wolf. That's it The real story. I was framed. "
But maybe you could loan me a cup of sugar?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - --
THE TRUE STORY OF THE THREE LITTLE PIGS! AS TOLD TO JON SCIESZKA ILLUSTRATED BY
LANE SMITH, Published by: VIKING, 375 Hudson Street New York NY10014, 1989
- Prepared for the Unique You by